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Mazeltov Cocktail:
Okay, first and foremost, did you have a Bar Mitzvah?
Fat Mike:
No.
Why not?
I never went to Hebrew school.
How were you raised?
We used to do Passover, sometimes my stepmom would light candles on Friday night and stuff. We used to celebrate
Christmas.
Not Hanukkah?
No, Christmas is more fun, you get a tree.
Yea but on Hanukkah you get presents for eight nights.
But on Christmas you get all your presents on one day! At my school everyone was fuckin' Jewish...
Where'd you go to high school?
Beverly High in LA. When I was thirteen, every weekend there was at least one Bar Mitzvah. All my friend's parents would
go to a store and buy thirty calculators and that would it be for the year cuz there were Bar Mitavahs every weekend, so
instead of getting a present every week...
Everyone would get the same calculator?
Back then calculators were expensive, lemme tell ya.
So did you know that Passover starts tomorrow?
Yeah.
Are you doing anything for it?
I was supposed to see my dad but we're going to Australia this weekend. I did stuff last year.
Okay so you didn't have a Bar Mitzvah and you didn't go to Hebrew school. Do you like anything about being
Jewish?
I like that Jewish culture is based on education. The thought never crossed my mind of not going to college. That's how
Jews are brought up, I think. The reason why there's so many Jews in Beverly Hills is because Jews are successful. It's
because the culture breeds, uh, I don't know...greed and education. Japanese family culture is like that , too. It's not a
coincidence, I don't think. Cultures with strong family structures have good education. Um, I've been to Israel...
Has NOFX ever played there?
No, but All You Can Eat are going.
Would you guys go there?
Sure. I didn't like it very much. I went when I was sixteen, right when NOFX was starting. My dad took me out there. I was all
punk, you know, spiked hair and drinking and stuff so he wanted to drop me on a kibbutz. I said no way! So I had a big
argument with him and he took me home.
Some people won't go to Israel cuz of political stuff.
I don't pay much attention. I think the Palestinians and the Israelis are both being pretty unreasonable. It's so stupid, I mean,
it's just a big hunk of desert. That's what I didn't get, that all these people swarm to this place and it sucks! It's just hot and
there's all this sand and it's the worst place! Who'd want to live there? Just cuz the Wailing Wall is in Jerusalem, it still
sucks. You should go someplace where there's water and trees.
I've never been there.
For the most part it's a huge desert. I didn't like it even though there's Jews everywhere..and, uh, Jews suck.
So you don't like Jews?
Not for the most part. Like, Orthodox Jews get to be a pain in the ass, you know? It's not just them, it's any super-religious
people. And in Israel there's a lot of them. And they stink too, you know?
Well they're in the desert, what the fuck!
I'm sure it's cuz they wear those black coats, and cuz it's Israel, and they don't take baths. We got on a bus and it fucking
stunk. It was bad. But then we went to Eilat which is a tourist place.
Oh, that's way down south where people snorkel and shit, right?
Yeah, we snorkeled and water-skied on the Red Sea.
And there's nude beaches.
Yeah, it was cool. Oh, the food there sucks too. It's not like my grandmother's brisket or potato pancakes, you can't find that
stuff there.
You're into Jewish food?
Sure, gefilte fish...
Fuck Yeah!
Herring, I always have a jar of herring in my fridge.
Do you cook Jewish stuff?
Actually, my wife's a shiksa but sometimes she makes me potato pancakes.
You're pretty lucky. Shiksa, man, some people think that's bad word.
Really?
Yeah, "goy" too. A few weeks ago I got a ride home from a show with these skinheads from Pennsylvania and
they were playing Punk in Drublic in the car, and "The Brews" came on. They were all covered with swastikas
and Nazi tattoos, but when that song came on they were so into it!
Yeah?
They were just singing along about Jewish skinheads and goyim and I'm like pissing my pants. So I told them I
was Jewish thinking it was safe and they start going off on Jews, how "goyim" is such a bad word. I was like,
whatever. But anyway, all the Jewpunks I know really like that song.
Well in LA in the Fairfax district there's so many Jewish kids with shaved heads and payis coming out, and you know how
girl skinheads shave their heads and leave a little bit around the sides? That's what these little Jewish kids look like, little
girl skinheads.
So do you have anything final you wanna say to all the Jewpunks of the world?
Uh, L'Chaim